Thanks for noticing...

I've really enjoyed all the pestering I've gotten lately about not posting more often. It's nice to be missed! Thank you all for being patient. I updated both the AudioBlog and the PhotoBlog so take a look at those. There's a pretty comprehensive life update on the AudioBlog that I'll probably not take the time to duplicate here. Instead, I thought I'd tell you a story.

My dad, like most of us, was many things. He was a son, a brother, a father, a man, a musician, a salesman, a computer programmer and consultant, and a friend to many. He was also, like many of us, flawed. He was a good, highly intelligent man with a delightful sense of humor for whom the world became gradually too much to deal with. In the end, he died alone in his home at 49yrs old due, in part, to his own stubborn unwillingness to check in to a hospital. That was almost 5 years ago.

I was terrified of him until I was in the midst of my 19th year. He didn't discipline me often, but when he did, it was severe and memorable. My parents had separated and I, after a brief foray into the real world, went back home and lived with him for a while. He drank a lot and often though in those days, never before 2pm. He and I had never really had to face each other as men and I will never forget the time I spent with him. We had some real give and take. As it turned out, he fully expected that he and I were going to have a fistfight before it was all said and done.

He himself had taken his own father in the backyard at about 19 and broken his arm. The difference was that I weighed 135lbs soaking wet in those days and I was a gangly, geeky, burgeoning intellectual and not at all inclined towards physical violence. I told him that it was simply not going to happen and that I thought it was ludicrous. He was dumbfounded. He actually cried - one of only a very few times that I can remember. It was the icebreaker for the relationship we were to have from then on.

He really had several personas. He was Dad. He was my Mom's husband for a while. He wanted to be a Chemical Engineer. He was a talented musician. He was like Norm from the TV show Cheers at the bar. The uncomfortable thing and the thing I think he found ultimately irreconcilable was that these personas rarely crossed and none of them adequately allowed him to express who he was. I got to know him, the real him, a bit better as time went on but it was like approaching a half-wild animal. He was very skittish and I was only able to catch glimpses. We went out to lunch almost every Wednesday for a year.

After the divorce was final, he moved to Texas. Communications faded to once a month or less and they became almost surreal. He'd had a woman who was obsessed with him follow him in his move to Texas. We heard some information from her but really just bits and pieces. His behavior became more erratic. He brought a woman he'd met in a bar the week before to my sister's graduation from college - that whole thing was just icky. After I'd stopped drinking and had children, I told him his was welcome in my home only if he was stone cold sober. He honored this request on every occasion though it obviously hurt him to do so. He would sweat and shake so badly that I was worried about his health.

Apparently he did quite well in Texas with regards to business. He made more money during that time than he had ever made in his life. He bought a house and a truck and began speculating on commodities on the stock market. He got involved with a woman who we know almost nothing about save that she hung herself in his living room so that her 11yr old wouldn't find her in her house. This, it seems to me, was the turning point that caused him to shut down almost completely. He had groups of friends that knew nothing of each other - he kept them all very compartmentalized and safe. None of them knew too much and none of them thought of him as a drinker.

He'd always been into women. He cheated on my mother off and on throughout their marriage. I think, and this is only speculation, that he divorced her when he thought he might have a chance to pursue the love of his life - a woman he had met some 8-10yrs prior to the divorce. She was married and had kids of her own. I suspect he divorced my mother thinking that she'd divorce her husband and that they could be together. He would fly out to see her anytime her husband was away on business. This was yet another of his secret lives. She never divorced him and he once remarked to me, "Be careful that when you find the love of your life, she's not married to another man."

He gave me a couple of other bits of wisdom as well. He told me, "Your pride is the most expensive thing you'll ever own" and "Never marry a woman who's smarter than you. If you do, you'll end up with a kid that's smarter than you." There was something about prostitutes being cheaper than girlfriends too but I always found that a bit crass. He also encouraged me to develop my vocabulary saying that it was useless to try to get anywhere in this world if you didn't know how to speak and write effectively.

I miss him. I miss him a lot some days. I think he's finally moved on because I haven't "heard" from him a whole lot in recent years. Some of you may write me off as a total flake at this point but almost without fail, when someone dear to me passes, they visit me shortly after their death in that half-asleep/half-awake time. It's usually before I know they're dead and they say goodbye. Dad was one of the exceptions to this rule. I stayed at my sister's house the night before we flew to Texas to begin settling his affairs.

I was sleeping on the couch with my hands clasped behind my head. I woke, and I do mean fully awake, to an enormous weight on my arms - not uncomfortable but I couldn't move them. Dad said VERY clearly in my mind, "Take care of your Mother and Sister boy" and then he was gone. The weight was gone and I was left to sob in the dark. We flew out the next morning and arrived at DFW around noon. That airport is HUGE. He, also an exception to the rule, has shown up occasionally since then with a sense of warmth, love, appreciation, and pride. I thank him out loud often still today for the things he gave me.

What we found when we arrived was startling and disturbing. He obviously hadn't planned on dying when he did. It made me consider seriously, for a long while, what my house looked like and whether or not I'd want my kids picking through it in that condition. Suffice is to say, I hope I have some notice before I go because there are some things a child needs not to do for his parent once they're gone. It took months to sift through his things and find what was important and toss the rest. There was no will so my sister and I split things 50/50. Here's an interesting kicker, he left a life insurance policy with my mother as the beneficiary. He'd sold life insurance so he knew how it worked. My only conclusion is that he did so deliberately.

I'm not one to sully the family name by posting this kind of thing. Really, that wasn't my goal. I'm proud to call him Dad and I'm proud to be his son. He wasn't the perfect Dad - he wasn't even really very good at it most of the time. I still loved him more than words can say and his words echo in my mind still today. I suppose my message is to love the people in your life and treat them as best you can. It's never wasted and you can always do more.

RCS