Life on Life's Terms

I have the feeling that this is going to be a meandering entry that may or may not take a while to come to any conclusion at all, so bear with me. Among the tenants I live by is that there are no coincidences. In my world, whatever powers that govern the universe (God if you like), have a plan. This is not to say that I can’t muck about and do my own thing even if it’s against plan. Rather, that life goes one whole of a lot smoother if I try to get with the plan. Typically, if I’m ignoring the hints the universe tosses me, the hints get more and more obnoxious until finally I get the proverbial 2X4 upside the head. On rare occasions, I defiantly get up after such a bashing and wait for a tree to fall on me. I have, on more than one occasion, ridden my motorcycle at speeds exceeding 100mph screaming at the top of my lungs at God, tears running down my cheeks (more from the wind than anything ;-)) until I surrender. My divorce was one of those occasions.

But I digress. It’s not usually quite so dramatic. The point is that I used to feel comfortable complaining when things aren’t going my way even if it’s totally unreasonable that they should do so. The problem is, I was five at the time. Now that I think of it, it was probably one of those not so rare occasions where my mother was “making” me practice piano or clean my room or something else I didn’t want to do. These days, throwing a fit doesn’t work so well. There’s just something inherently silly about a 33yr old man stomping around flailing his harms and throwing a fit – so I don’t… much…

Anyone who knows me and I suspect those of you who are coming to know me better, knows that I have struggled with what to do with my life for a long, long time. When I sit and get quiet, it becomes clear that it’s not really my life at all. More that I am a steward of certain gifts and that it is my job to share those gifts with the world around me. The problem for me is that I have always felt that my numerous gifts were not the ones I would have chosen. Talk about spitting in the face of your creator. So I’ve tried in vain to develop gifts that better fit my theory of what I should be. I’ve been obsessed with money for as long as I can remember. I planned to be a millionaire by the time I was thirty and was honestly disappointed when it didn’t happen and I was headed towards divorce and financial ruin.

The funny thing is that I’ve done all kinds of things to make a living over the years and none of them have made me particularly happy or wealthy. Most recently, I picked the scariest potential goal I ever dreamed up, being a doctor. It occurs to me now that it was the one path to wealth and status that seemed the most out of reach while I was growing up. More basically, I realize now that it wasn’t the right path and that I knew it as a child. The things I have always been good at are music, theater, and other arts like photography and writing. Not only that, but those are the things that bring me joy and satisfaction. I have been neglecting those gifts in the pursuit of money and prestige.

So let me tell you about the amusing coincidences I’ve observed recently. My boss, at my last job, was a man who had worked for twenty years in the music industry and sold out to become a restaurant owner and later manager because he thought he was smart enough to do it. He and I had some real give and take but I couldn’t get over the fact that he had given up his love of music for money. I also failed to notice that I was doing the same thing. Ultimately, his soulless devotion to the corporation convinced me I didn’t want his job now or ever, and I quit. But I still didn’t get the joke.

I enrolled at CU and briefly considered a double major in either music or theater and biology to “feed my soul”. I ultimately discarded the option because it was not financially viable. So I’m in Music Theory this week and one of the guys leans over and asks me what my major is. I tell him Biology – Pre-Med. He looks shocked and asks me why because I obviously love music so much and have so much talent. I answer in the same way I’ve answered the same question for months, “If I didn’t have six kids, I’d absolutely be in music or theater.” Well the next day, I’m in a tutoring session with some classmates from Biology and one of my classmates says she’s disappointed that people are dropping out of the Pre-Med program around her like flies and my tutor announces that he too no longer wants to be a doctor. I pop off about the financial implications of being a doctor and the same classmate tears into me about being focused on money. This precipitates an argument that last like two hours. In the end, I chuckle and concede her point. Money is not reason enough.

Class is over, and because we’re down to one car, I call Cher to pick me up and mosey on out into the ninety plus degree weather to sit under a tree and contemplate the events of the past couple of days. I had a payday candy bar (my favorite these days) and was accosted by a family of three squirrels who, were working together to steal my candy bar. One snuck up in front while another snuck around to the far side while another snuck up behind me. I remember calculating just how to grab a squirrel so as not to get bit or scratched. Anyway, this was all very amusing, I finished the candy bar and the cheeky squirrels didn’t even get a nibble. I’m sitting there in the shade thinking that I’m right outside the arts building and how cool it would be to be a music major when years of coincidences fall into my lap begging to be examined.

This time I don’t dodge. I don’t get dramatic. I just surrender. The only thing I’m concerned about is telling my lovely wife. She wasn’t at all surprised as it turns out and she supports me all the way. Sure, I’m nervous – who wouldn’t be? I don’t know exactly what in music I will do. At the moment I’m thinking of a double major performance (Jazz Guitar) and Recording maybe to hedge my bet a bit. Perhaps I will teach. Perhaps teach and perform and record. Who knows? In any case, I’m ready to sit back and enjoy the ride. Money isn’t everything. In fact, it’s not even most of it. Life is about the relationships you build with the people in your life. It’s about giving back what you have been freely given. It’s about developing and sharing your gifts with the world. It’s about honoring every ounce of who and what you are. It's about letting your light shine.

RCS