I have many men and they are good fighters!!!

I’ve decided that it’s time to get myself back in some kind of reasonable shape – preferably something other than round. To that end, I’ve decided to return to the study of martial arts after a nearly 11yr hiatus. Let me tell you, being in great shape and then doing nothing for 11yrs but eat makes for a fairly painful recovery period. My flexibility is gone, my breathing is gone, and worse yet, the body remembers what it could once do and so I have to be very careful to not let reflexes take over or I could hurt myself – the body has failed to account for the stiff limbs and 60lbs that weren’t always there… The good news, I haven’t forgotten everything and it’s getting easier to breath. The bad, I had to get a new uniform and belt because my old ones shrunk!

I’ve returned to a school I used to attend before I had children, the Chinese Shao-lin Center. Sadly, many of the people I remember have moved on. Thankfully, a few remain. Anyway, in celebration of my commitment to pain and progress I’ve decided to post the contents of an email I received 10yrs ago for your amusement. It is as follows:

Actual Hong Kong Subtitles…

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a through extermination.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karatefeets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

RCS