Sunday, April 09, 2006

I have many men and they are good fighters!!!

I’ve decided that it’s time to get myself back in some kind of reasonable shape – preferably something other than round. To that end, I’ve decided to return to the study of martial arts after a nearly 11yr hiatus. Let me tell you, being in great shape and then doing nothing for 11yrs but eat makes for a fairly painful recovery period. My flexibility is gone, my breathing is gone, and worse yet, the body remembers what it could once do and so I have to be very careful to not let reflexes take over or I could hurt myself – the body has failed to account for the stiff limbs and 60lbs that weren’t always there… The good news, I haven’t forgotten everything and it’s getting easier to breath. The bad, I had to get a new uniform and belt because my old ones shrunk!

I’ve returned to a school I used to attend before I had children, the Chinese Shao-lin Center. Sadly, many of the people I remember have moved on. Thankfully, a few remain. Anyway, in celebration of my commitment to pain and progress I’ve decided to post the contents of an email I received 10yrs ago for your amusement. It is as follows:

Actual Hong Kong Subtitles…

  • I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

  • Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.

  • Gun wounds again?

  • Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

  • A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

  • Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

  • Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

  • Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

  • Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

  • You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

  • I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

  • You daring lousy guy.

  • Beat him out of recognizable shape!

  • I have been scared shitless too much lately.

  • I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!

  • Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

  • The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

  • How can you use my intestines as a gift?

  • This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

  • Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a through extermination.

  • Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karatefeets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

  • RCS